Taste the World

I remember praying that I could just be normal. Everyone seemed to have everything under control. They knew what the world had to offer, and they were not giving up until they had a taste of everything. My brother, for example, plays on the edge. He always pushes to see how far he can go, in all directions.

I am still jealous of my little brother sometimes. I love his confidence in himself. He thinks he is awesome, so he has become awesome. He always surprises me with his spur of the moment decisions. He just goes with his mood. I value that I look at the consequences first, but I love his freedom. He deals with things as they come. He acts rather than reacts. I want that.

I have a friend, Zac, who always just does. Does what, you may ask? If you can think of it, he will do it on his terms. He does not do what he does not want to do. The world rests in his palms. It gives to his every whim. He sets out to conquer the goal that he sets in front of himself.

It is funny how I have surrounded myself with friends that just enjoy life. They do not conquer the world because of some destiny that seems to be so nicely written out somewhere in the heavens. They conquer the world because the world is there to be conquered. I look at the mistakes that I make, and I see what I am doing wrong. Instead of fixing the problem, I walk away to cower in the darkness. I want to conquer the world.

Rather people agree, I always point out that you think the way you do because of your background. If you believe that the world is there to please you, then the world will budge at your every whim. Now, I do not mean this to say that you will have all the riches in the world within a snap because you ask for it. I mean, you can have the riches if you want it. You just have to do the work. I go out to clubs looking to have a good time. I want to get hit on. I want drinks bought for me. However, I walk in like a shy puppy with its tail stuck between its legs. Who is going to chase the dog around the dance floor? Sure, the chase is fun, but eventually you get tired. I catch someone’s eyes from across the room every now and then, but I take the first chance to look away so they do not think that I am creepy or weird.

I have been slightly paranoid my whole life. I wanted to anticipate what the world was going to give me. Logic always played its role. Eventually, I stuck to what would make most sense. I became paranoid that what I chose would not work. Had I made the right decision in choosing this path? In living with my brother and hanging with Zac, I have learned many things. Not everyone is looking to insult you. If you think you are not worth the time, then everyone in the club will think the same thing. I remember watching this guy walk across the dance floor. He just walked. Then, he stopped and put his back against the mirror. For the next five minutes, he stood there. He knew he looked good, and he waited until along came this courageous guy who took advantage. They danced. Why should you settle for one path when so many lay in front of you? I have grown, and I tend to follow all paths that interest me. Who makes the rules of life, and why would they stop you from tasting the world? The world has so much to offer, and people exist in it.

Do you? Do I, for that matter? Sometimes, I am unsure of my future. I do not know what is in store for me. What I do know is that I do not live a proactive life. When school is not in session, I wake up at one in the afternoon and sit there the rest of the night watching TV. Ok, it might not be that extreme, but I just exist sometimes. There are days, like today, when I wake up and set to work on a few projects. I cleaned up around the house. I updated my playlists. I lived an active life with my friends at my side. Today, I lived.

As a human, you are guaranteed a past and a present. You are not always guaranteed a future. The past weekend, while people gossiped of the rapture, I took a second to think. What if today was my last day? Would I want to be spending my last day at a wedding, reading a book, hanging with friends, or partying? You have so many options at your fingertips. You just have to know when to say yes. I do believe in obstacles, but you will get what you deserve and what you want if you believe that you will. I have seen many things happen that I once thought impossible. Take risks and taste the world.

Matt's "Thing"

To give you tomorrow is a dream I often have. The stars and the moon is a gift I wish to give. If given the chance, a thousand moments of happiness to give is my heart’s one desire. I ask you to open your eyes to the possibility. Take the risk and jump. I once heard a story. A story heard most often in the last moments of peace. It’s the story of someone’s regrets. They take that final leap into the arms of their maker.

They see the end, and they are overcome with grief of the chances long gone. Right before they let go their heart begins to speak. It brings up the past and the many doors that went unopened. It explains the feelings that had gone unheard.  “Give me a chance.” “My arms are open.” “My eyes are open, and they are looking for you.” “I wish I would have said yes.” “I wish I would have spoken up.” “I like you more every day. So, tomorrow, I will like you more than today.” “I am capable of more than you say.” With their hearts spilling truths, the eyes begin to water. As these words slip from their lips, a burden is lifted from their chest. At the last moment, they ask themselves, “Why did it take me so long to say everything I wanted to say? Why didn’t I say it in the beginning?” They slip away, and their words are never heard.

I have seen these cries for help. I have heard these words of despair. For a soul that has returned many times before, I offer you these words, “Take chances, and make mistakes. Some mistakes will hurt, but the lesson behind them matter more than the pain.”

Now that you know and the secret is no more, I would like to say one more thing. I like you. What I have may not fit your cookie-cutter image. I will, however, give the moon when you ask. I will crawl in bed even when you have pissed me off if you ask. I will slide my hand into yours when the darkness gets too dark or the light becomes too bright. All I can do is offer, and hope that your heart receives in kindness rather than desperation. Sometimes, I will be moody. Sometimes, I will be too happy for words. Yesterday, I made mistakes. Today, I probably made mistakes. Tomorrow, I can promise that I will make mistakes. Mistakes will happen, and I can only ask for forgiveness afterwards. Take this the way you will. I hope tomorrow you wake and see the world as it is: an adventure with many doors that only you have a key to. Open the door and walk through.

What do you believe?

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.”

Part of self discovery is learning what you personally believe. Growing up, I was taught that there is a God. He lives in heaven, and the evil man, Satan, lives in hell. I was taught that homosexuality is wrong. Being with someone of another race is wrong. Drinking and smoking is wrong. The list goes on and on.

I believed everything that I was told. I went to church every Wednesday and Sunday. I had all the proper church answers for any question I could have been asked. I lived the "proper" life. Deep down, though, I felt wrong. I had everyone fooled. I went to church and listened to these sermons about right and wrong, and I believed them. Then, I look around at everyone surrounding me and it hits me. "Practice what you preach." I was told repeatedly. Then I witness these judgemental hypocrits. In the society that I was raised in, your best bet was to be white, christian, and you either played baseball or football, if you were a boy, and you were a cheerleader, if you were a girl. Stepping outside of these standards led you only to the bad place.

Everything was about following these rules. I began resenting the christian churches. They teach one thing, and some practice another. It was then that I realized what needed to be done. I had to set up my own beliefs. It is up to the individual to decide what is wrong, and you must truly listen to your heart in order to follow these beliefs.

Now, my best friend is black and gay. The majority of my friends are gay. I try not to judge anyone for what they believe or what they do. Personally, what you do is your business. I still believe in God. I believe there is a better place after life. What determines my entry is purely based on rather or not I follow my beliefs. If I do not feel like I am doing anything wrong, then who is to say I am.

That leads me into selfishness. It is okay to be selfish. I tried living by making others happy, but you should only follow what you think is right and what will make you happy. If you are doing it to make them happy and you feel like your going against yourself then stop.  "You are who you are." One of my favorite songs is "Firework" by Katy Perry. If you take the time to truly listen to the words, and watch the video, you will see the deeper meaning. Each of us has the ability to be one of the greatest people in the world. Only you can stop yourself from being great. "Don't be afraid to SUCCEED!" 

If you ever get a chance to listen to Scott Alan, you should listen to "Distance you have come." This is another song that you should truly just sit back and take it in.

This has been another look into the self. If you demand success, success will come. Always remember to DEMAND IT!

archy and the moth

I am beginning this blog in the discovery for self: self esteem, self confidence, self reliance, etc. When deciding what I wanted to title such a worthwhile journey, I thought of this story my friend told. It is entitled "the lesson of the moth" by Don Marquis, in archy and mehitabel. The story goes like this:

 i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

archy

The destination is beauty. The destination is achieving what one desires, either in others or in themselves. I have sat up many nights wondering why the world was not giving me everything. I prayed for material things. I wished on the first star i saw, when the clock ticked 11:11, when I blew out my birthday candles, etc. Then, it hit me out of nowhere. The world owes me nothing. I owe myself.

I sat up talking to a friend of mine about the bible verse, "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." Through a long discussion, we determined that in order to love your fellow man as you love yourself, you must first love yourself. Easy to grasp, right? Well, I then set out to love myself. I grew up pleasing everyone. If mom is happy, I will be happy. If dad is happy, I...will...be...happy. If my brothers are happy, I WILL BE HAPPY. In the mind of a child, the logic made sense. What did not make sense was the fact that I was not happy. I woke up one morning and decided to stop. I stopped! If you are doing something to make others happy and you become unhappy in the process, you are not doing good. First order of business had been achieved. I would no longer do things just to make others happy. I would now set out to make myself happy. 

Second order of business, the path I am now trying to conquer, is to find something beautiful, focus on it, and get it. I demand it! I told a friend the other night that I have always walked down this beautifully structured path in my life's journey. I made sure every brick fit perfectly. NO MORE! A dirt path will get you to where you are going. You just have to remember two things. First, do not make it easy for others to follow. Whatever obstacles you meet, you will learn something. Why cheat others of learning too? Second, do not forget the distance you have come. Remember to look back because you do not want your path to become covered in weeds and become overgrown. If it does, you loose sight of where you were and possibly where you are going. 

You can accomplish anything with focus and determination. If you demand success, success will come. So always remember to DEMAND IT!